Red

The first beer I ever had was a Red Dog. I was 16 and at a high school party I didn't particularly go to. I wasn't a drinker, but someone handed me a beer. I grabbed a straw from the kitchen and nursed the beer through it for a good two hours before I left and sat the bottle down to flatten on the Formica counter top. From what I remember, Red Dog tasted like a banana.

Someone also told me the dog's face looked like Batman performing oral sex on a woman.

Ronald

Been a while.
Ronald Reagan with Elvis hair, a lasso, bolo tie, cowboy boots, western shirt and a big silver belt buckle. Standing on a pile of either jelly beans, Easter eggs or in a ball pit. Is it still satire if it's entirely accurate? And if it makes conservatives jizz their sweater vests?

Hillary

Hillary Clinton, who, in this picture, looks a little like Golda Meir, was running for president. She is no longer running, but her campaign will live on in the lungs of every man, woman and child who lights up a Pall Mall with this delightful lighter. Bill's hiding behind her, poking his head out, most likely looking for some high-class trim and an apple is floating above her, like a crisp, refreshing UFO. Also, the word "pawing" is misspelled as "pawning", making it seem as though she doesn't want reporters hawking her papers for booze money.
Also, when was the last time she used "Rodham" in her name like it says on the lighter? I just realized that. Maybe she just wants to get the the "Clinton" faster.

George

This appears to be just a stupid political lighter for people who aren't big fans of satire. George Bush is apparently in the process of ferociously raping and beating an elephant to death on the White House lawn. That's all well and good. It's dumb enough for me, but that's not where it stops. It gets stupider.


This lighter has a pull out sheet of thin plastic with famous quotes from George W. Bush. Things like, "I think we agree, the past is over." I don't know how they shoved it in there. I do like that I now own a lighter that works on the same basic principle as a tape measure.

Battery

"This is a battery, my friend. Oh. No. This is a lighter."

Dinosaur

With a frown and a heavy heart, my tobacconist said, "This, my friend, is last funny," and handed me the red-eyed, robot-handed dinosaur.

Cow

The owner flicked down the head, looked at me with wide, crazy eyes, and said at the top of his hashish-ravaged lungs, "Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Elephant

"Elephant! ... And squirrel!"

Scorpion

My local tobacco store, Smoker Friendly, was having a sale on stupid lighters. The next few entries will be what the Lebanese owner of the store told me about them.
"Lighter! Is tarantula!"

Lady

Police are investigating what appears to be a grisly homicide today after a jogger discovered the lower half of a woman's body in Central Park.

The killer, or killers, replaced the woman's torso and internal organs with the mechanism from a disposable lighter.

Stay tuned for Chef John's recipe for a crowd-pleasing Mulligan Stew the whole family will love!

Fishing

I've always thought to myself, "I wish I could light my cigarette with a pier-fishing child." Now I can. Praise the lordy!

Mojito

Mojitos: The taste of lime, mint, sugar and rum made shitty. Now with fire!

Beer 2

Off-center beers on a red background. And in case you had any questions, the good people at Bic wrote "Beer" twice.

Knight

Forsooth! Yonder portable dragon hast thy visage upon its noble facade, fair knight! Huzzah! Also, thy steed art shitty looking.

Lemon

That's right, my cigarette lighter has a fresh lemon on it.
Suck on them apples, Penelope!

Beer

Another from Bic's, "Pictures of Alcoholic Beverages with the Name of the Beverage Underneath" line of lighters. This time, "Beer".

Wine

This lighter has a glass of wine on it and also says, "Wine".
Classy. As. Fuck.

Welcome to the Stupid Lighter Museum

Hello, and welcome.

The Stupid Lighter Museum is just what it sounds like. A museum for stupid lighters.

C'mon in. Pull up a chair. Take a gander at what some dude at a lighter company thought was a good idea and then had that idea approved for production for some reason.

Stupid lighters, here we come.